18. (An apology letter.)

I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

It was beginning to subdue to mere momentary flashes. Every Sunday, either at 3 pm or 3 am. There would be a spontaneous explosion of loud, unwanted thoughts- like fireworks, and they’d usually end up as tears. An hour or so of hiding in a corner, of shaking all over, and then it’d be over. After that would be six days of relative calm. Six-day-gap before it’s Sunday again.

It’s crazy to know the schedule of your crazy, but it was predictable. It was tolerable. Now I think my crazy forgot to check the calendar. 

It’s Monday already. I have it with me, until now. My leg is furiously shaking as I try to vomit to this space what my whole being won’t let go of. It’s suffocating. There’s a tiny black hole consuming me mercilessly and I can’t stop getting sucked in. 

I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. 

I prefer it more when it was momentary. Now it’s a long drone I dragged with me every minute of today. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. If I don’t distract myself even for just a millisecond, it would creep back. Like a fucking high pitched hum I can’t get out of my head. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. When I stop to take a breath after laughing. When I look at the screen and see nothing but white. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. I don’t know. 

But it’s not you. God knows it’s not you. I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I carry the guilt with me wherever I go. I’m getting the punishment I deserve, trust me on that. But I’d rather you not read this. I’d rather you not know. I’m currently too much to handle. I don’t want you seeing me like this. I’m sorry. 

If you do read this, I’m sorry still. I just have to pour it out somewhere. anywhere. I have to write to stop detonating. I have to. I have to. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to be with. I’m shit. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person to deal with. I’m…

shit.